Let me preface this post with I am married to a musician and we have 3 children which I home school. One child was born while my husband was on tour. We live 7 hours away from family. My family has traveled by car, van, bus, plane, and boat. I have attended a Grammy Nomination Concert with a 3 week old baby strapped to me. We use a road case to house our baby chicks. The kids sleep in various band tees. I have stood backstage at the Ryman and the Opry. So, I fully feel that I have reached the status as a “musician’s wife” which I believe qualifies me to write this post. 🙂
My husband and I met prior to him being a musician. When we met and married we were both barely out of high school so his “career” was about as far along as being the drummer in the church praise band. I think this fact has helped me so much with this lifestyle.
Since the start of my husband’s career it was “our dream”. I pushed, sacrificed, and believed right along side of him and therefore I have a better understanding of what my husband (the actual musician) has done and is doing to make this dream a reality.
I see so many women place this role their husband is in above their husband himself. They define their man by their ability to be present, their public recognition, their ability to name drop, personal style, financial income, and so on. This is horrible for your marriage. If his career defines how you treat him, your husband will feel a constant need to perform for you. The fake, polite smile he has to keep for others will begin to become all you see, if your husband’s livelihood is under constant critique. Do you want him to not share his life with you for fear of you being angry or you telling him it’s not good enough?
Obviously, if your husband is providing, doing a job that is so unpredictable than he is worthy of more praise than being corrected constantly. I see the sweat and hard work my husband puts into this as something I adore about him. Not from a perspective of “he is self-fish and is always on the road leaving me at home to do everything.” Or even “poor me I’m married to a musician”. If you seek pity for being married to a musician instead of being proud then you are sending your husband a message that you should be pitied for being married to him.
And my husband is not self-fish when he drives all night to a venue, eats chips for dinner, talks to a line of waiting fans, misses his son’s baseball game, doesn’t get good-night kisses, loads and unloads gear, sits for hours with nothing to do before shows, and then does it all again the next day. Just because he gets 30 minutes to visit a close-by tourist attraction doesn’t define him as self-fish. When you begin to experience this feeling, remember the real reason it exists is because you simply miss your man. Your honest, compassionate, hard-working man. And for those wives whose husband is living a little more luxurious these days remember they worked hard to reach that level and they fully deserve it.
During my first year of marriage alone my husband worked at Publix, Pizza Hut, painting tractors, doing landscaping, in telemarketing, at a daycare, and in electrical work. We barely made our $250 rent each month. My perspective on a musician’s work is from a blessing standpoint. The world outside of “being married to a musician” is hard as well ladies. Women everywhere struggle with missing their husbands due to their job, to pay their bills due to lack of work, to go on vacations, to start a family, to attend church together, etc.. The list goes on and on of the things married women as a whole deal with and to be really honest with you, the ones not married to musicians do it with a sense of pride for their husbands more than those married to musicians. I think the stereotype placed on musicians claiming they are lazy, irresponsible, uninvolved, flirty, etc. has rubbed off on us more than we would like to admit.
My husband’s work is “different”, but it is still work. He is working to provide for me and our three children. He is working so that I can home school as we both wanted for our children. He is working to give us a better life, that many of you complain is not happening fast enough. So as a wife, I choose not to discredit his work by being bitter or resenting his job. I want a man who works hard and I married him to stand by his side while he did it.
Do you know the saying “behind every great man, is a great woman”? Well, your husband’s chance of success is limited when he is under constant opposition from the person who he looks to for support. Women underestimate the influence they have on their husbands. Let’s learn to celebrate “our” victories and grieve “our” failures as one. Not their victory and their failure.
I fully agree that this is hard. It takes work.
But when our status as a “musician’s wife” is constantly defined by the struggles, this begins to create a very “sucky” life for everyone involved. Let’s try to join our men in this lifestyle. When they say “I’m a musician” it’s in celebration, that is how I choose to be “a musician’s wife.”
So, did I marry a musician? No, I married my high school sweetheart. With a lot of hard work and sacrifices from both of us, he became a musician.We are blessed. I am lucky enough to call myself “a musician’s wife”.